Finding Heart in the Dark

Love and the Mystery of Betrayal

Sandra-90Several years ago, when my long-time partner left me a few weeks before our wedding, I was blindsided in the extreme. This was a man I  had loved and trusted, who I believed with all my heart was devoted to me, too. In time, as I learned how wrong I had been—that I had essentially been living a lie—my loss of faith in this person and in myself drew me into a physical, emotional and spiritual crisis.

The extent of my unraveling, the grief, and the pain took me completely by surprise. A kind of existential angst set in, along with sleeplessness, anxiousness and rage. Insistent, distressing replays of the shock, associated with what I was to learn was PTSD, haunted my days and nights, not simply for months, but for years.

As the siege went on, I found myself questioning my understanding of human nature, of good and evil, and of life itself. I had been a strong and high-functioning professional and could not figure out what was happening to me. I was so bewildered by the whole thing, I needed to make sense of it.

I’ve spent the past few years recovering from the shock, picking up the pieces of my shattered life and immersing myself in trying to understand the mysteries of abandonment and betrayal, as well as the characteristics of human nature that create this kind of devastation.

I did a lot of meditating and inquiry, reading, research and talking to others, caring for myself and struggling with what was occurring as I fell apart. In the process, I learned a lot about betrayal—what some call “the most underrated trauma,” “the most difficult of all woundings,” ” an irreparable devaluation,” even “the greatest evil.”

When I realized that sharing my struggles and insights might be useful to other people, it offered a sliver of purpose to what otherwise felt like a bottomless pit of meaningless suffering. So, I started to write Love and the Mystery of Betrayal — Recovering Your Trust and Faith after Trauma, Deception, and Loss of Love.

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I began to design this website, also, for kindred spirits looking to make their way through this emotionally dark, but spiritually promising, passage. I offer this site as a resource with the hope it may encourage you to hang in there. It is my wish that you may come to realize, as I have, that we are held in the hands of light—even as we go through this “valley of the shadow” testing of faith in the goodness of life.

May you come to trust these dark times and let them lead you deeper into your heart than you have ever gone before. May you sense how mystery trumps meaninglessness; love tenderizes pain; and the wonder of existence, earth, sun and sky alone make this precious life worth living.